It Didn't Start This Way
What is coercive control in a relationship?
Most emotionally abusive or controlling relationships don't begin with obvious warning signs.
In fact, many begin in a way that feels incredibly romantic.
Your new partner may have wanted to spend every moment with you. They texted constantly, talked about your future together, told you they'd never met anyone like you, and made you feel special in ways you had never experienced before.
Perhaps the relationship progressed very quickly. Within weeks or months you were discussing moving in together, marriage, children or long-term plans.
At the time it probably felt exciting.
Looking back, however, you may realise there wasn't much time to slow down and really get to know each other.
Social psychologist Dina McMillan describes this well:
"If it seems too good to be true, and it's happening too quickly, slow down."
— Dina McMillan, But He Says He Loves Me
Fast isn't always unhealthy.
But when intense attention is followed by increasing control, criticism or isolation, it may be part of a much bigger pattern.
What Is Coercive Control?
In Australia, we are increasingly recognising that abuse is not always physical.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate or create dependence within a relationship. Rather than involving one single incident, it develops gradually over time, making it difficult to recognise while you're living through it.
Many people tell me:
"Nothing looked obviously wrong from the outside."
That is exactly why coercive control can be so confusing.
The changes are often subtle.
One boundary at a time.
One compromise at a time.
One apology at a time.
Common Signs People Notice
Clients often tell me they started noticing things like:
feeling anxious before their partner comes home
constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing
apologising even when they haven't done anything wrong
losing confidence in their own judgement
feeling isolated from friends or family
needing permission before making decisions
changing how they dress, speak or behave to avoid conflict
feeling exhausted from trying to "keep the peace"
None of these experiences automatically mean someone is in an abusive relationship.
However, together they can suggest that something important is happening.
"Am I Just Being Too Sensitive?"
This is probably one of the most common questions I hear.
People experiencing manipulation often begin doubting themselves long before they question the relationship.
You might hear things such as:
"You're too emotional."
"You're imagining things."
"You're remembering it wrong."
"Everyone else agrees with me."
"You're lucky I put up with you."
Over time these messages can slowly erode your confidence.
Eventually, instead of trusting yourself, you start trusting the person who is making you doubt yourself.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave?
Many people ask:
"If things were that bad, why didn't I leave sooner?"
This question often carries enormous shame.
The reality is much more complicated.
Healthy relationships don't suddenly become unhealthy overnight.
People who use controlling or abusive behaviours often introduce manipulation gradually. By the time you recognise what is happening, many boundaries may already have been crossed.
For example, you may no longer have access to finances because your partner has decided that you are "bad with money" and says they will manage everything for you.
You may realise you haven't seen your family for months because they are supposedly "a bad influence."
Perhaps you've stopped seeing friends because "they don't respect the relationship."
You may even begin believing that every argument is somehow your fault.
If your partner later apologises, promises to change and tells you how much they love you, it becomes incredibly difficult to make sense of what is happening.
This cycle often leaves people feeling confused rather than certain.
"But They're Lovely Most of the Time"
This is another sentence I hear regularly.
People are rarely all good or all bad.
Many controlling partners are affectionate, generous and loving at times.
Those positive moments are real.
They are also part of what makes the relationship so difficult to leave.
Hope becomes incredibly powerful.
People naturally want to believe things will return to how they were at the beginning.
Unfortunately, without genuine accountability and significant behavioural change, these cycles often continue.
Abuse Isn't Always Physical
Many people don't identify their experiences as abuse because there has never been physical violence.
However, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, coercive control, financial abuse and social isolation can have profound impacts on mental health.
Clients sometimes tell me:
"On paper I have everything. Everyone thinks we're the perfect couple. But inside I feel completely broken."
Those feelings deserve to be taken seriously.
Rebuilding Trust in Yourself
One of the hardest parts of recovering from an unhealthy relationship is learning to trust yourself again.
Many people leave the relationship but continue questioning every decision they make.
Therapy isn't about telling someone what they should do.
Instead, it provides a safe, non-judgemental space to understand what happened, reconnect with your own values and rebuild confidence in your ability to make decisions.
Depending on each person's needs, therapy may include exploring:
patterns of coercive control
trauma responses and nervous system regulation
boundaries and healthy communication
attachment patterns
rebuilding identity and self-esteem
processing traumatic memories using evidence-based approaches such as EMDR where appropriate.
Healing is rarely about simply "moving on."
It is about understanding your experience so it no longer defines your future.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
Healthy relationships are not conflict-free.
Disagreements happen in every relationship.
The difference is how those disagreements are managed.
Healthy relationships allow both people to:
express different opinions safely
maintain friendships and family connections
make decisions together
respect each other's independence
apologise without blame
repair conflict with honesty and accountability
feel emotionally and physically safe.
Neither person needs to control the other for the relationship to succeed.
You Are Not Alone
If parts of this article resonate with you, remember that you do not have to work through these experiences on your own.
Whether you are questioning your relationship, recovering after leaving, or trying to understand what happened, therapy can help you make sense of your experiences, rebuild confidence and reconnect with yourself.
Seeking support does not mean you are weak.
Often, it is the first step towards healing.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is emotional abuse really abuse?
Yes. Emotional and psychological abuse can significantly affect self-esteem, confidence, relationships and mental health, even when physical violence has never occurred.
Can someone control me without shouting or hitting me?
Yes. Coercive control often develops through subtle patterns of manipulation, isolation, criticism and intimidation rather than physical violence.
Why do I still love them?
Strong emotional bonds can continue even in unhealthy relationships. This does not mean the relationship was healthy or that your experiences were not real.
Can therapy help?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand relationship patterns, process trauma, rebuild self-confidence and develop healthier relationships in the future.
Further Reading and Resources
1800RESPECT – Australia's national service for people affected by domestic, family and sexual violence: https://www.1800respect.org.au
The Duluth Model – Power and Control Wheel: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/
Dina McMillan TEDx Talk – Unmasking the Abuser: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ythOTBEkUZM
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare – Family, domestic and sexual violence: https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/domestic-violence/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence
References
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2024). Family, domestic and sexual violence in Australia.
Herman, J. L. (2022). Trauma and Recovery (Revised ed.). Basic Books.
McMillan, D. (2007). But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship. Aardvark Global Publishing.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.
Walker, L. E. A. (2017). The Battered Woman Syndrome (4th ed.). Springer.