Why You Matter: How Parents Help Therapy Work for Their Child

A Parent’s Guide to Being a Powerful Ally

Parenting is often described as the best and hardest job in the world—and for good reason. Loving and raising children can bring deep joy, but it also brings a lot of changes and challenges, especially in today’s world. Many parents are raising kids without the support of “the village” that families once relied on—without extended family nearby, without trusted neighbours or community connections. Add to that the pressures of work, financial stress, social expectations, and the constant buzz of the digital world, and it’s no wonder parents can feel stretched thin. That’s why parents deserve support. Therapy isn’t just about the child experiencing difficulties —it can also be a place where parents feel heard, strengthened, and equipped. When parents are supported, they’re better placed to support their kids—and that’s where real and lasting change begins.

Let’s look at why your involvement as a parent, foster carer, or kinship carer matters, and how, together, we can create the conditions for your child to thrive.

You Can Be a Valuable Resource to Your Child

Let’s begin with something really important: parents can’t control their kids and are not to blame for their child’s emotional, relational, or behavioural struggles. Life is complex and children are shaped by a big mixture of things, e.g., temperament, relationships, school experiences, the digital world, developmental differences, and sometimes just plain bad luck. There’s rarely a single cause.

But here’s the hope: you can be a resource to your child and a powerful part of your child’s healing, growth, and change. Your relationship with your child—your presence, your responses, your support—can make a real difference. Plus, you have the ability to influence the environment around your child and help create the conditions they need to feel more secure, more confident, and more connected.

What are some specific ways you be involved to become a resource to your kids?

Understanding Patterns in Family Life

“Here We Go Again…” Sometimes families get stuck in a pattern, a loop that keeps repeating, without realising it. No one is doing anything wrong—everyone is doing their best—but the pattern keeps going. When we work with families, something a therapist will often do is look at the everyday patterns in how people relate, communicate, and respond to each other. These patterns aren’t about blame—they’re about understanding how things work, and where small, hopeful changes might be possible… and who is best placed to lead the change in patterns, which is often the adult/s in the family.

Here’s an example of a pattern, or loop, that families can get caught in: Maybe your child avoids school, which leads to a heated argument in the morning, distancing from each other emotionally, and then guilt and worry on both sides in the afternoon. This cycle is not any one person’s fault—it just is. And yet, it keeps everyone stuck in a conflict-distance loop.

In therapy, we gently explore these repeating patterns and help families try out new ways of responding—so the loop doesn’t keep spinning in the same way. Instead, new, more helpful patterns are created, and parents feel a sense of agency that is empowering.

Family Structure: Who’s Leading, Who’s Following?

We also look at how the family is structured—not just physically, but emotionally. Sometimes, when children are experiencing distress, the lines of leadership in a family can become blurred, and it’s helpful to ask, “Who is steering the ship?”

This is actually a difficulty many parents, foster and kinship carers and residential carers struggle with, for a variety of reasons.

- Some people experienced authoritarian, harsh or abusive parenting and decide to make sure they don’t pass this on, but then end up erring too far on the other side without enough limits and boundaries.

- As parents, and as other important adults in kids' lives, it’s hard for us to see our kids struggle and we often feel their pain and want to do anything to make it better for them…and us.

- Depending on our own resources and how well we are doing when our kids have hard times, we can find it painful, frustrating, distressing, or even anger-provoking to see our child’s distress or meltdowns.

- We live in a fast paced world with multiple demands on our time and sometimes the world invites us to focus on things that distract us from our family and reduce the energy we have available for parenting.

- Some troubles our kids manage, like self-harm, eating disorders, significant emotional dysregulation, feel scarey to us as parents and we really want to avoid doing something that we think might lead to harmful behaviours or escalating dysregulation.

In therapy, we explore what it looks like for parents to gently step back into the leadership role and get rid of that “walking on eggshells” feeling—not through force or control, but by creating safety and boundaries, and enhancing parent-child relationships. Children feel more secure when they sense that their parents are confident, steady, and in charge of the big decisions.

Intergenerational Patterns: What Gets Passed Down?

We all bring with us patterns from our own childhoods—ways of handling stress, showing love, or dealing with conflict, and parenting values and recipes. Some of these are wonderful and worth continuing. Others we might want to shift.

We call our Family of Origin our first school of life and love because our first family is the one in which we first start to learn about ourselves, relationships, and life. Often, we take these lessons unconsciously with us, and they guide our decision-making, relationship patterns, values and principles, and even our parenting style. The forces of Family of Origin are strong influences and can sometimes pull us into unhelpful and unhealthy patterns.

Family Therapy is particularly helpful in understanding the influence of our first family, and also, all the events, relationships, and experiences that follow and shape us. All of this can be thought of as your “backpack of life”, an invisible backpack that you carry around with you that can shape and influence how you are in life and relationships. Some of the things in your backpack will be great assets, and some will create challenges.

Find out more about resisting the pull of unconscious patterns in this blog

https://www.drleoniewhite.com/post/intentional-living-resisting-the-pull-of-unhelpful-family-patterns

And more about the backpack of life in this clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0G6a8fpRgs&t=4s

In therapy, we sometimes gently explore how parenting responses have been shaped by what parents or carers experienced growing up. Were emotions talked about or brushed aside? Were conflicts loud or silent? Were you supported when you were struggling, or expected to tough it out?

This isn’t about blame—it’s about reflection. And once we’re aware of these patterns, we get to decide what we want to pass on, and what we want to change. It’s just another way of becoming a resource to our kids by becoming more aware and intentional in parenting.

Looking for What’s Working: A Solution-Focused Lens

Sometimes families come to therapy feeling overwhelmed by what’s not working. One really helpful shift is to start paying attention to what is working—what’s going well, even in small ways, and parents and carers play a pivotal role in this.

A solution-focused approach to therapy doesn’t just help individual children—it can be incredibly useful for whole families. Instead of spending lots of time digging into the past or analysing problems in detail, this approach helps families notice what’s already going well and build on those small successes. It encourages family members to listen to one another, recognise each other's efforts, and name their hopes for how things could be better. This shift in focus can create a more positive, hopeful tone in the family, especially when things have been feeling stuck or heavy.

In sessions, families might be invited to imagine what a “good day” would look like, or to think about the last time they felt close or connected. These kinds of questions might seem simple but families don’t often take time for a “success analysis” on their own, especially when struggling with challenges. This type of focus can open up new conversations and shine a light on the strengths and resources already in the family—things that often get overshadowed by stress and conflict and can actually make a big difference to a child’s functioning and coping.

When parents and children begin to notice and celebrate what’s working, it builds confidence, connection, and motivation to keep moving forward. Even small changes, when noticed and nurtured, can lead to bigger shifts in how families feel and function together.

Stories: What Does Your Child Believe About Themselves?

Children learn about themselves from the people around them. Over time, they develop “stories” about who they are and how the world works. A child who’s often in trouble might begin to believe, “I’m a bad kid.” A child who finds school hard might think, “I’m not smart.” These stories can stick—and they can shape how a child sees themselves, what they try, and how they feel.

One of the most powerful things we explore in therapy is the idea that everyone’s life is multistoried—including children. This means that no one’s identity can be summed up in a single label or experience. A child might be struggling at school, but that doesn’t mean they’re “lazy” or “bad at learning.” They might have big feelings, but that doesn’t mean they’re “too much.” When children are repeatedly seen or spoken about in just one way, they can begin to believe that narrow version of themselves. This is the danger of what we call “the single story”—it limits who a child believes they are and what they believe is possible for them, and this can lead to emotional distress and behavioural and relational problems.

In therapy, we pay attention to the other stories—the ones that get overlooked or forgotten when stress and struggle take up all the space. You, as a parent, play a big part in this. A child who has a negative story of their identity might also be incredibly creative, funny, or caring toward animals. A young person who feels “anxious” might also be brave in small, everyday ways. The stories we focus on shape how we see ourselves, how we act, how we connect with others, and how we respond to challenges. That’s why it’s so powerful when parents notice and speak to the fuller picture of who their child is. When children hear new stories about themselves—ones that highlight their effort, kindness, courage, or determination—they begin to carry those stories with them, and that changes everything. Your words and actions can help your child grow new stories.

The Power of Attachment—and Why It’s Never Too Late

“It’s never too late to identify and work on issues with attachment. While so much attachment research talks about the importance of the first year of life, we don’t stop seeking attachment and connections with other once their period ends. You can repair lost connections by creating opportunities for positive and meaningful interactions that are solely to show interest, care and love.” Garvey, 2024: 25

Therapy isn’t just about skills or strategies—it’s about relationships. Humans grow and heal best in connection with others, and children especially need relationships that are steady, supportive, and safe. That’s where attachment comes in. At the heart of every child’s wellbeing is their connection to their important adults – their attachment. That connection gives them a safe base to explore the world and a secure place to return when things get hard. It helps children regulate their emotions, cope with stress, form healthy relationships, and develop their self-worth.

And here’s the beautiful truth: attachment relationships can always be strengthened. Even if things have felt rocky, even if there’s been distance or disconnection, there is always a way back to a stronger connection. Children don’t need perfect parents—they need ones who are present, attuned, and willing to repair and reconnect.

A strong attachment helps children:

• Feel safe in themselves and in the world

• Develop emotional regulation

• Grow resilience and confidence

• Build meaningful social relationships

Your presence and your relationship are part of your child’s emotional scaffolding.

By being a calming, reliable presence, showing up even when things are hard, and being curious about your child’s world, you’re helping build the kind of attachment that fosters resilience and emotional growth. But here’s the thing…sometimes relationships get so strained, the most helpful thing you can do is connect with your child’s therapist for support in relationship repair or building more connected relationships with your kids. This can be especially the case when parenting young people who have experienced trauma, removal from home, and multiple placements, but it is absolutely possible.

“The one universal truth of childhood is that there is always hope.”Garvey, 2024: 1

Why Parent Involvement Makes Such a Difference

Therapy is one hour a week—Family life is the other 167 hours. Therapy sessions are just a sliver of your child’s week. Most of the healing and growth happens in the 167 other hours—in those ordinary, everyday moments: packing lunches, driving to sports, sitting through a meltdown, laughing over a silly joke, and when you are helping your kids put into practice what they are learning in therapy. When you’re involved in therapy, you become the bridge between what your child is learning and how it’s lived out in real life.

When you are part of the process, your child feels supported and hopeful. You don’t need to have all the answers—you just need to be willing to learn, reflect, and stay connected.

Here’s why your involvement matters:

• It helps us understand your child better. You know them best. Your insights help us make therapy more effective.

• You can help carry change into daily life. A therapist might teach your child a calming or communication strategy, or emotion coaching, but you can remind them to use it during real-life moments.

• You model strength and growth. When you show a willingness to try something new, your child learns that change is possible. This signals to them that it’s okay to seek help, be vulnerable, and work through difficulties.

• It strengthens your bond. Showing up in therapy tells your child, “You matter to me. We’re in this together.” When children know you’re in it with them, the bond between you can really strengthen. They feel seen, understood, and valued—a powerful foundation for lifelong well-being.

Final Thoughts

As a parent or carer, you bring stability and love to your child’s life in a way no therapist ever could. Therapy can offer your child support, insight, and skills—but the most powerful ingredient for change is often you. Your steady presence, your willingness to reflect and grow, your connection with your child—these are the things that build trust, hope, and lasting change for kids.

By engaging in your child’s therapeutic journey, you’re not only helping them manage today’s challenges but also equipping them with tools for a resilient future. And as we do this work together, your child will feel the constant, steady presence of the person who matters most—you. You don’t have to do it perfectly. Just start by showing up, being curious, and offering your child what they need most: you.

To all the parents, foster carers, and kinship carers out there, thank you for the love, support, and strength you offer your children each and every day.

"Children’s brains thrive when interacting with adults who have the brain capacity to love them unconditionally, experience joy from being with them, pay close attention to them, and understand them deeply." Hughes and Baylin, 2012: 24

Dr Leonie White

Clinical Family Therapist and Psychologist

Helping people grow, connect and thrive in life’s unique journey.

Please note - this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.

Please seek help from a professional if you require support.

Please note: This blog was originally written as a guest blog for TherapyWell Allied Health and Wellbeing.

Reference:

Brown, J. (2012). Growing Yourself Up. Woollombi: Exisle Publishing.

Brown, J. (2020). Confident Parenting. The Parent Hope Project.

Garvey, B. (2024). Ten Things I Wish You Knew About Your Child’s Mental Health. Penguin Random House Australia.

Huges, D.A., & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment. W. W. Norton: London.

Lerner, H. (2004). Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving. Harper Collins Publishers: New York.

Seigel, D.J., & Bryson, T.P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired. Scribe: Melbourne.

Smith, K. (2020). Everything Isn’t Terrible. NY: Hachette Books.

White, Leonie. Helping Families Thrive Cards https://www.drleoniewhite.com/helping-families-thrive-cards